Yes you. The first boy who held my hand (with so much effort lol)
I write about you all the time. Mostly because I’m afraid of telling you that I love you so much. I still don’t think it’s appropriate to put ‘love’ between us. I mean, just look at us now. We have only known each other for less than a year. But what the hell is this then, if not the word ‘love’ to name it?
Here’s the thing. We trust each other. I trust you as a friend and so do you. For your eyes only, I show you the real side of me. I will be the craziest person you could ever imagine and I’m not afraid to show you all my flaws (hope that you don’t run from me lol). I know I’m not your kind of perfect girl next door. But at least I am who I am when I’m with you.
You know, there were days when I lied to myself that I certainly had no feelings for you, never really knowing why. At that time I absolutely had no idea why I acted so stupid and kept avoiding you in every chance we met. I could’ve just faced it and behaved normally but I chose the other way around-making it even obvious that something was wrong with me.
Not knowing what to do, you treated me the same way as I did to you. We ended up not talking to each other for days.
Then I thought, “Ah, how stupid I am.”
“Why I can’t just be honest to myself?”
“In the end, people always shut me out and they eventually leave me.”
Nothing hurt me more than having to experience the same thing over and over again.
Until one day, you unexpectedly approached me and from then on, we started talking again.
There were nights when I laid awake-wondering how we first met and how in hell it turned to be like this.
The first month, we barely knew each other. Well it was probably me who recognized you first, while you absolutely had no idea who I was. Rumors said that you are the famous musician wannabe a.k.a the one who has the talent to sing like typical American youtuber who loves to cover songs, yeah something like that. Meh, I didn’t really care about rumors anyway so I just let it flow until someone attempted to play your cover through my instagram. It dragged my curiosity even more-knowing that you could also play instrument.
The second month, we were just hanging out together as friends, sharing stories and problems (well it’s actually me who’s dealing with so many problems but you’re willing to listen to all of them anyway. c: ) Somehow, I got my eyes on you since then.
And what about the rest? Actually there were plenty of cute moments of us, like one day when you finally confessed your feeling while we were at ice cream store. It was so out of the blue, like really.
Sometimes, I re-read our conversation and I found myself smiling at my phone’s screen. Remember when we were at the rooftop? I felt like I was in some kind of Korean drama. Well, for some certain reasons, things didn’t go well with me and I didn’t know what to feel anymore, but you managed to comfort me anyway.
All I could tell from your voice when you called me at that time was that you sounded so panic and exhausted—maybe from the fact that you left the guys immediately (even you cancelled your plan with them) and rushed upstairs but found no trace of me at the usual place where I belonged. Aaand it turned out that I had moved to the rooftop. Well, you know, it was the only place where I could cry my eyes out with nobody seeing. And by the time I regained my senses, I found you-standing beside me with your hand laying upon my arm. I was so upset that day, but an embrace from you gave me a sudden warm sensation.
I couldn’t thank you enough for being there by my side when I needed someone to hear my problems, for those late night phone calls and midnight texts, for all those rides home that you offered, for those precious time that you sacrificed to do something for me, for your intention to make me happy, and most importantly, for loving me just the way I am.
Seriously, you should really stop saying sorry for making cheesy pickup lines because just because.
—A girl who still writes to you, she doesn’t know how not to